Diavolo's Joke Thread...

[diavolo_rosso]

Hey guys, i'm going to post a few jokes, sorry in advance if they offend anybody - i'm not posting the most sensitives ones...

a few to start you off...

Darth Vader walked out of The Carphone Warehouse looking very disappointed.
They didn't have the android phones he was looking for.

A young, blonde bird was making advances on me at the bar last night.
"I'm married," I told her.
"Oh, I see," she smiled, rubbing my chest. "Well, Why don't you make me feel like your wife just for this night."
So I punched her in the face.

15% of parents admit to having a favorite child. My parents always made it clear I wasn't their favorite
Which was tough on an only child.

The man who invented Velcro has died.
RIP.

My wife gave me money and said
"Go get something that will make me look sexy"
So I came back drunk

Waitress: Have I kept you waiting long?
Me: No, but did you know there are 3,296 squares on the ceiling?

Your teeth remind me of One Direction.
There are 5 of them and they're all bent.

I put my hand out to stop a bus today, but the thing kept going.
As I went under the wheels, I realised it only works for Superman.

A woman is packing for her vacation and her 3 yr old daughter who was playing with her toys on the bed,said"Mummy,look at this,"and stuck her middle finger up at her.
Not wanting to make a big deal out of the rude gesture and to make a game out of it, mother leaned over and put the girls finger in her mouth and said,"Mummy is going to eat your finger!"
"The woman then went to the bathroom to get her toiletries and when she came back her daughter was looking at her finger,crying.
The mother asked,"What's wrong,sweetheart?"
With a sad little voice the daughter replied,"Mummy,where's my booger?"

Apparently North Korea deployed their missiles after witnessing America's stealth bombers exercising over South Korea.
I don't think America has quite grasped the meaning of the word 'stealth'.

As she was treating the cuts to my head, the nurse at A&E asked me how it had happened.
I said "I asked my barber to cut my hair like David Blunkett".

My mate Dave asked me, "Why are you looking so happy?"
"The wife has had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that puts a smile on most men's faces," I replied.
"Ah", he said. "Breast enlargement or a tummy tuck?"
"No", I said. "Post mortem."

My wife was a ground breaker in her chosen field.
Unfortunately for her, that was because the parachute didn't open.

I've spent a fortune on a Persian rug.
My cat was becoming so self-conscious about his bald spot.

Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.

"What do you love most about me?" my wife asked.
"Your sister" was not what she wanted to hear.

My wife is leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with tennis umpires.
"For goodness sakes, how old do you think you are?!" she screamed.
"Thirty, love."

I've just finished building the National Katie Price Wax Museum, featuring hundreds of wax models of her and it's ready for the public.
I contacted Katie and told her we were good to go.
"Oh that's brilliant." She said.
"Will there be a big opening?"
"Loads of them." I replied.
"They're exact replicas."

Bill Gates has offered $100,000 to anyone who invents a more attractive condom.
Who is going to buy a condom from a company called Microsoft?

[diavolo_rosso]

For those who haven't heard: New Zealand has just passed two laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage andmarijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense -
Leviticus 20:13: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

Theists like to call Atheism a religion,
If that's true, abstinence is a sexual position.

In 11 years at Everton manager David Moyes failed to get them above Manchester United in the league.
This year he has managed it in just 6 games

I asked my mate Dave, "What's the best advice you've ever received?"
He said, "A good shit, is better than a poor fuck."

I told my mate my nickname for my penis is "The Subway". Is that because it's a foot long? he laughed. No I said, it's a danger to single women late at night

Nice offer on Amazon - if you buy all Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand & deliver.

More than a quarter of 18 to 24-year-olds in Britain do not trust Muslims, a BBC Radio 1 poll suggests.
But that's got nothing on the number of 1 to 16-year- olds that don't trust BBC employees.

BBC: Burial space could run out in 20 years
Hope this doesn't lead to panic dying...

Australia has just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.
Government sources suggest around 60,000.
Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the cunts.

So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.
Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a paedophile.

Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses

A blonde woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled, and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

[diavolo_rosso]

Manchester Utd have dropped the red devils nickname, they will now be named Port Talbot.
Because they are between Cardiff and Swansea.

According to Weight Watchers, only water has less points than Sunderland.

At the end of a heavy nights drinking I got a taxi to a brothel.
"I've never done something like this before, so ... erm... how does this work?", I asked nervously.
"Well, you tell me where you want to go and then we drive there", said the taxi driver.

How do you know Pinocchio's maker Geppetto was gay?..
Because he had a toy boy.

Three words to ruin a man's ego...
"Is it in?"
Three words to ruin a woman's ego...
"I don't know"

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.
ICU baby, shaking that ass

[diavolo_rosso]

i've found jokes for our small Finnish contingent, here goes...

Q: What is the difference between an empty stomach and a Finnish person who wants to ask something from a stranger?
A: You can actually hear the empty stomach.

Q: What is the difference between Finnish weddings and Finnish funerals?
A: At the funerals, there is one less drunk.

Q: What is the difference between Sweden and Finland?
A: The Swedes have really nice neighbours.

Q: Why are there no Finns on the moon?
A: They went, but there was no wood.

Q: What is the most heavenly language?
A: Finnish, because it takes an eternity to learn.

Q: How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Once a Finn has noticed that a light bulb is made of glass and has the shape of a bottle, he'll try to open it.

Q: No, seriously, how many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink enough vodka for the room to start spinning.

Q: What's the difference between the Vikings and Finnish men?
A: When the Vikings came home after their wars, that's when the real drinking began. But when a Finnish man comes home after drinking, that's when the real war begins.

Q: How do you know a Finnish man is madly in love with his wife?
A: He almost tells her.

Q: How do you spot an extrovert Finn?
A: When talking to you, he stares at your feet instead of his own

[rustysprite]

Best T Shirt I have ever seen said....


I don't have tourettes.......you're just a cnut!



(i changed the letters round for cencorship reasons   )

[diavolo_rosso]

My new sat-nav is voiced by Frank Sinatra.
"And now, Southend is near"

I was banned from every football ground in the country for at least 12 months yesterday.
I forgot my wedding anniversary.

My Welsh mate seems reluctant to tell me about his sexual orientation.
Its probably because he's a bit sheepish.

Me and my girlfriend keep getting into arguments. She says I 'know how to push all her buttons'.
All except 'mute' apparently..

I took pity on a tramp sleeping rough in the doorway of my shop and offered him a job.
He now holds the position of draught excluder.

I have trouble saying my s's and my wife thinks its funny.
I really want to mother her.

My wife has been moaning for 2 days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement. I should probably go down there and check on her, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.

"You shall not pass!"
Gandalf's message has had a big impact on Ronaldo's career.

I asked my parents for advice about contraception.
But they told me to just keep wearing my World of Warcraft t-shirt.

I just got stuck in a car wash.. "I was foaming I can tell you!"

Someone broke into my house lastnight and took my collection of german fruit loafs.
I've reported them stollen.

I watched a group of people dressed as 'Star Wars' characters bungee jumping.
It was Jawa dropping.

[diavolo_rosso]

[Yanisin]

Great thread. Thanks for the laughters 

[diavolo_rosso]

Thanks Yanisin, just trying to brighten the place up a bit...

The US Government has shut down.
A lot of people are asking: How will America get by without an effective Government?
Same as they did yesterday, I guess.

My daughter ran away from our home in Hull when she was only fifteen.
After three years of searching, I found her sleeping rough on the streets of London.
As we hugged each other, with tears running down our faces, I said, "My god, lass, you've done well for yourself."

I don't think any less of my daughter for being a lesbian.
In fact, I probably think of her more.

My wife choked on a fish bone last night, so I called the Birdseye customer care number on the back of the box to complain.
20 minutes they took to answer.
By that time she was dead.

It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.

I was given some financial good news today.
The child I've been sponsoring in Africa has been mauled to death by a lion.

[piritskenyer]

http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm

www.airliners.net/aviation-forums/general_aviation/read.main/1911149/

www.flyinggiants.com/forums/showthread.php?t=20514

happy reading! (I'm cracking up from laughter at the doctor's waiting room, the others are sending me disapproving looks)

[Yanisin]

[FantasyKing]

-Private!Explain to me in Steps how to clean your own rifle!
-First, you check the serial number.
-Why?
-And what good does it give me to clean somebody's else rifle?


During a routine check soldiers are complaining:
-In the soup there are rocks!
-What kind of moaning is this - amazed the Captain asks - You are here , to serve the Motherland!
-Yes,but not to eat it..


Commander of a company gives a command for attack.All soldiers are charging enemy while screaming "Urraaa!", only 1 is going to the other side also screaming "Urraaa!".
-Stop! - yells the commander - Where do you think you are going,coward?
-Mister Commander,I am not a coward!I only have a tactical plan - I'll go around the Earth and I'll attack the enemies from the rear!


Early in the morning the phone rings in the psychiatry.
-Help us,please!There is somebody here,that every morning he sets off the alarm exactly at 5:00. We will go crazy soon!
-Tell us the address , We will pick him up.
-Okay.Military barracks 41420...


-Private Ivanov, can you swim?!
-Yes sir, Captain!
-Where did you learn to swim Private?!
-In the water , Captain!




Regiments favorite pet, donkey died.They buried him and they wrote on his tombstone."Here likes the donkey Marko,the regiment's favorite  pet.During his entire life he kicked 2 lieutenant colonels, 4 majors , 10 captains , 24 lieutenants , 42 sergeants , 486 privates and one anti-personal mine..

[diavolo_rosso]

Tom Clancy: Dead at sixty six.
Not read that one, I do hope it's as good as his other stuff.

Why can you never hear a pterodactyl urinating?
Because the p is silent.

Looks like Tom Clancy found Dead October instead.

When a fat chick approached me and asked what my favourite band is
Gastric was probably not the answer she wanted

[diavolo_rosso]

What does an Englishwoman say the morning after a one-night stand?
"Adrian, Darling, you were wonderful."
What does a Frenchwoman say the morning after a one-night stand?
"Jacques, mon amour, tu étais fantastique."
What does a German woman say the morning after a one-night stand?
"Hans, mein Lieber, du warst wunderbar."
What does a Scotswoman say the morning after a one-night stand?
"Fuck me, Jock. Is all this furniture yours?"

If, as the advert suggests, Dick Fosbury "dared to break the rules", surely he would he would have called his high-jump method"The Floppy Dick"?

[diavolo_rosso]

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

[Yanisin]

This is humour, right? Right?  

Oh my, these brave men ...

[piritskenyer]

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

Which part is the most tanned of an Italian soldier? His armpit.

[diavolo_rosso]

Two kids meet on their first day of primary school.
"I've always been clever," says one kid. "I've been walking since I was 9 months old."
"You call that clever?" says the other. "I let the fuckers carry me around until I was 4."

Apparently linguists have discovered a new language. It's spoken by a remote tribe in India and it's understood by only 1,000 people.
Linguists! It's not bloody new at all.
It's called 'Tech Support'.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were all captured by nazi forces during the second world war and sentenced to death at a concentration camp.
The night before they were due to be gassed, Hitler himself paid the men a visit. In a particularly good mood that day, he decided the men should be granted one last request before their death in recognition of their efforts and bravery.
"Englishman, what do you desire for your last night on earth?" Hitler asked.
"Well, if it would be at all possible Mr Hitler Sir," the Englishman began "I would love to spend one last night talking to my dearly beloved wife."
So, true to his word, Hitler arranged for a phone to be brought to the Englishman's gas chamber, and he spent the whole night talking to to his wife. The morning came, the guards turned the gas on, and the Englishman was dead.
The Scotsman was next.
"What is your last request Scotsman?" Hitler asked.
"Well, I haven't got a wife, so could I just have some whiskey?" He replied.
True to his word again, Hitler arranged for a a case of the finest malt whiskey to be left in the Scotsman's gas chamber. The morning arrived, and when the guards arrived and to turn on the gas the Scotsman had already drank himself to death.
"Irishman" Hitler said the the last man, "What will be your last request?"
The Irishman takes a moment to think about it.
"Well Mr Hitler Sir, what I'd really like more than anything in the world right now, would be a piano."
Hitler, although somewhat bemused by the request, complies and has a fine solid oak piano wheeled into the Irishman's chamber. All night he plays out the finest concertos, and when morning came even the guards were hesitant to turn on the gas and bring an end to the Irishman's playing. Eventually they turn on the gas, and decide to leave it running whilst they see to other business.
Twenty minutes later they come back, and to their sheer disbelief they still hear the twinkling of the piano from within the chamber. In a hurry they fetch Hitler, who orders they turn off the gas. When the most had cleared, the two guards and Hitler carefully proceeded inside, and there before their very eyes wad the Irishman, still alive!
"What the Schnell!?" proclaimed Hitler, "Thousands upon thousands of people have entered this chamber, and not one has left alive! I demand to know how you did this!"
"Well it's quite simple really Mr Hitler," said the Irishman, "Tunes help you breath more easily!"

A preacher told me if I don't stop drinking I'll pay for it in hell.
I know I will, all the beer will be warm.

[diavolo_rosso]

The wife said to me, "It really turns me on to watch you pleasure yourself."
So I cracked open a beer and put on Match of the Day.

A family have moved into the cottage next door and renamed it "The Retreat".
I was puzzled until I found out they were French.

 knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat."
"Oh no," she cried, "Is he in a bad way?
"Put it this way," I said, "My cricket bat snapped in half."

My wife crashed the car whilst listening to Adele last night.
She ended up rolling in the jeep.

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married...
I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

''Have you farted?'' my wife said, ''Of course'' I said ''I don't smell like this all the time''

I'm taking my family to see the Nutcracker on Saturday.
Of course I'm talking about my mother-in-law, not the show.

I'll start to believe that video games create violent killings the day someone gets arrested for killing a pig by catapulting a bird at it.

[diavolo_rosso]

My wife came home from work smiling from ear to ear. She had explained to me that two Indian gentlemen had bowed and held the door open for her as she was leaving like she was some kind of royalty.
What she fails to realise, is that they see cows as sacred animals.

When we moved in to our new house, the couple from next door helped us unload the van, so I suggested to my wife that we send them some flowers.
"I was thinking of baking them a cake." she said.
"But they helped us." I replied.

Three men dead in Edinburgh after Nissan Note collides with a Skoda Octavia. Witnesses say they heard a loud crashendo.

Politicians are like nappies. They need to be changed frequently and for the same reason.

My wife rang me earlier and said "I've got rid of the kids for the night, do you fancy going to the pub? "
"Brilliant" I said, "Don't wait up."

Anytime there's a storm outside, my cat attempts to scratch everything in its path.
When it rains it paws.

A scientist told me he once successfully crossed the body of a blood sucking insect with the facial features of a koala.
I think that's bear faced lice.

[diavolo_rosso]

Phil Collins has come out and admitted he's gay. Rumour has it he's been having a secret affair with Prince Harry.
He'll be coming in the heir tonight.

I was struggling to decide which island I should visit for my birding holiday.
Should I go to the Galapagos to see the giant Frigate birds. Or Australia to see the Emus and Lyrebirds. Or even Hawaii to see the black footed Albatross.
In the end, it was easy. I chose the one with the biggest tits.

My Irish neighbour has put 'Missing Cat' posters all over the trees on our estate.
I said to him, "I thought your cat died last week, Paddy?"
"It did," he replied, "That's why I'm missing him."

Whats the difference between my wife and a football?
One of them gives me enjoyment to kick. The other one's spherical.

To cut an article out of the Kerrang magazine, you will need rock paper scissors.

I went into the library earlier and said:
"I'm looking for a book on the 'Calcification of the Spine' please."
"I've got a hardback" said the librarian.
"Yeah" I said, "that's the one."

[diavolo_rosso]

I'd spent a good twenty minutes in the tunnel telling Brendan Rodgers which formation and tactics he should use in today's match.
"Look," he shouted. "I've paid the toll, now just open the fucking barrier!"

The BBC have announced that Bruce Forsyth has pulled out of tonight's Strictly Come Dancing because he's sick.
"They really could have worded that better," said a detective from Operation Yewtree.

Extract from the Somali Book of Seamanship: "In the event of loss of watertight integrity, do not bail the water out in an orderly fashion, simply set fire to the vessel. Someone will notice and send help, you will be saved".

I got so pissed last night I don't know if I found some keys or lost a car.

Ben Kingsley has remade his classic Indian leader biopic in a children's version.
'Ghandi Pandy' is in cinemas from next week.

My uncle who worked as a storeman in a local brewery was tragically killed yesterday when a pallet-load of beer toppled over on him. He tried to summon assistance, but everytime he called out "The drinks are on me!" his workmates, oblivious to his predicament, just cheered.

How do Israelis search online ? They just go on the Netanyahu

[diavolo_rosso]

Workers play football, managers play tennis, CEOs play golf.
The higher the position, the smaller the balls.

Liverpool fans appear to be calling their current strike force SAS - Suarez And Sturridge.
I'd like to propose a similar alternative for Man United fans:
Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa - W.A.N.K.

To help working mothers in China, a company is providing 'Breast Milk Couriers'.
The courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother is employed, and delivers it to the factory where the baby works.

I honestly believe Man Utd will win the league under Moyes next season.
They'll face stiff competition from Blackpool and Watford though.

I work in a shop that sells hand grenades.
However we now only accept cash only after we had a few incidents with taking cards after asking customers if we could 'have their pin please'.

I wanted to improve me and the wife's sex life, so I told the fat bitch to sit down and I put a classic porn film on for inspiration.
My favourite scene came on where the girl pulled the pizza boy into the house and deep throats him before riding him 'reverse cowgirl' in the hallway.
"That looks good." She purred. "I certainly wouldn't mind some of that."
"Really?" I asked, excitedly.
"Oh yes." She said.
"With extra mushrooms though."

Sinead O Connor should wait two weeks before writing her next letter to Miley so she can start it with "It's been 7 hours and 15 days..."

The referee blew the whistle for kick-off, and within four seconds I clattered into their centre forward leaving him on the floor.
As he pulled out a yellow card, I turned to him and said, "You can put that down as a late challenge."
"Late challenge?" the ref queried.
"Yeah, I meant to get that twat last weekend."

[diavolo_rosso]

Greenpeace pirates?
Do they have to walk the plankton?

[diavolo_rosso]

North Korea have agreed to suspend their nuclear programme.
They've seen an episode of 'The Only Way Is Essex' and decided our society's fucked without their intervention.

My daughter bought her new boyfriend home tonight.
He was quiet but polite.
Not once did he ask me why I was holding an axe.

After many years of donating my semen at the local sperm bank, I've decided to stop using its service.
Now she wants a divorce.

I'm just back from a concert in Glasgow by that new Scottish Muslim band.
Jihaddiwaddy.

My wife said she wish i'd be more romantic.
Whilst she was at work, I sprinked rose petals on the floor starting from the doorstep up to the kitchen sink.

My wife came home from her annual check up and told me the Doctor said she was 'healthy as a horse.' Unfortunately, 2 weeks later she slipped going up the stairs and broke her ankle.
Remembering what her Doctor said, I had no choice but to put her down.

As I staggered into the house, my wife said, "If you ever come home early from the pub, I'll die of shock."
"Stop trying to bribe me", I slurred.

There's been a huge incline in female offroad drivers the last couple of years.
Not by choice of course.

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