Re: Diavolo's Joke Thread...

[diavolo_rosso]

nice BPs

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.
"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.
"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."

There's a new teen R&B band out catering to Catholics,
They're called Boyz 4 Men.

Confucius say "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
Yeah, way to have a dig at the blind.

[diavolo_rosso]

I'd been having some gay dreams, so I went to see a psychiatrist about it.
He said, "Take a seat, Gary, and I'll ask you a few questions. Just say what comes naturally. Ok?"
"Ok," I said, sitting down.
"Pink or blue?"
"Blue."
"Batman or Robin?"
"Batman."
"The Foo Fighters or One Direction?"
"The Foo Fighters."
"That's the test finished," he said. "You're definitely gay."
"What? Why?" I protested.
"Just get off my lap, Gary."

England's Chief medical officer Dame Sally Davies has announced free vitamins for all low income families.
Details of where the underprivileged children can pick up the vitamins are now available online and on the new iPhone 5S App

Whoever it was that said you can tell a lot about a women by looking at the contents of her handbag, was absolutely right.
I've just checked my Scouse girlfriend's and most of it belongs to me.

The wife had developed a little bit of acne, so she sent me into town to buy some concealer for her.
I had to go all the way to Marks & Spencer for a really good one.
Their bags are the thickest.

[diavolo_rosso]

Looking forward to the new StarWars film coming out next year,
Luke 20:14

Isn't it ironic that George Best died of alcoholism and an anagram of his name is.........
GO GET BEERS

So, the truth is finally out in the Jimmy Saville scandal.
His chauffeur drove him to it.

I met some lovely German boys in Brighton & it turns out Corporal Jones was wrong!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Sell her off to a Romanian gypsy family, it seems.

Wit: A form of intelligent humour.
...or if you're Glaswegian, it's also a way of asking someone to repeat a question

I was up at Old Trafford the other day speaking to the head groundsman.
"That pitch is in terrific condition" I said.
"It fucking well ought to be" he replied. "We put millions of pounds worth of shit on it every week.

While trekking in Nepal I saw a Yeti with an awesome six-pack. Must have been the abdominal snowman.

[diavolo_rosso]

Personally, it doesn't bother me that there's so many obese people... They're slow movers and easy prey for when the Zombies come!

My new girlfriend laughed at me the first time we went to bed.
"You don't seem to have got an erection yet," she giggled.
"I wouldn't worry," I said. "It won't be much longer."

There are two types of people in this world. Those who crave sugary treats, and those who donut.

My buddy asked me a question today;
"Do you think someday you'll ever be famous?"
I told him, "Yes, when they find the bodies."

My Welsh mate suffers with premature ejaculation.
It's all over in two shakes of a lambs tail.

[diavolo_rosso]

I can't see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges it will be cheaper buying an AK-47.

Reggie Yates has said that, for his new TV show, he'd like Holly Willoughby to be chased by a pack of wild dogs.
But she's already been followed around by a scary dog for years - Fearne Cotton.

have you seen the new irish ipad...
its called padi

When my mate turned 40 I sent him a CD in the mail, UB40
A month later on my 40th I received a CD in the mail from him, U2

Last night I felt like a complete arsehole when I turned up at the coffee party.
I was the only one wearing a tea shirt.

I've given up being a plumber to develop my anti-rape device.
To be honest, it's just an old stopcock.

[diavolo_rosso]

Sorry no more jokes here, thread transfered to the new forum
http://wjde.eu/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=25

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