Re: Diavolo's Joke Thread...

[Blue_Badger]

Lol Rosso, you need to publish a joke book.

An Englishman, an Scotsman and an Irishman we on Safari together when they were captured by cannibals.

The Tribe leader asked them, "Do you have any last requests before we eat you and turn your skin into canoes."

The Englishman said, "I'd like a cold pint of ale before I die."
"Very well". The Cannibals rooted through their looted goods and found him  a beer. The Englishman died with his stiff upper lip in tact.

The Scotsman said, "I'd like a bottle o whisky". Once again the cannibals went through their cache and found what was desired. The Scotsman died singing.

The Irishman said, "I'd like a fork please."
"A what?"
"A fork please".
"Ummmm, ok". The bemused cannibals looked through their loot and found a fork for the Irishman. "What do you want a fork for?" they asked.
The Irish man begins to repeatedly stab himself in the chest yelling, "YOUR NOT GOING TO MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!!!"

[diavolo_rosso]

You would think the police would patrol this 'Knifepoint' place more carefully with all the rape that seems to go on there.

My wife walked into the bedroom, and slowly started removing her clothes with a teasing dance, covering her modesty with two large fans.
"Leave it out, love," I said.
"Don't you like my burlesque routine?" she asked.
"You're more burly-esque."

Patsy Kensit has undergone an emergency hysterectomy, after doctors found two large tumours in her stomach.
Kensit has previously had a tumour removed from her vagina. His name was Liam Gallagher.

As I pulled my bus into the terminus I noticed a young woman soaking wet through and clearly distressed. She was laden with shopping bags, had a huge non-folding pram and a poor little lad screaming away because he was cold. I did the most gentlemanly thing I could think of ...
Gave her a local taxi number, none of my other customers should have to deal with that shit.

Are you after some fake binoculars?
Well look no further..

Sex is like eating. It can hurt if it goes into the wrong hole.

Got arrested today on suspicion of helping 50 trees commit suicide
The police are saying it's the worse case of yewthanasia they have ever seen

[diavolo_rosso]

What do you call a woman who needs a shave ?
Tash

They say that pet owners buy pets that resemble themselves, I don't know if it's true.
I'll have to ask the wife when she comes back from walking her Kimono Dragon.

I read that 111 people a week are bitten by dogs leading to 999 calls for emergency treatment.. 
Why are they phoning nine times?

As soon as I got her alone, I confessed that I had an obsession with collecting buttons.
"That's not too weird", she said, "what kind do you like to collect?"
"Belly", I replied.

Had a text off the wife earlier
Which surprised me as I did'nt think you could get a signal in the kitchen

The wife shouted at me " I am sick to death of watching you all day with your feet on the settee, playing playstation and getting pissed !. How are you going to solve this ?"
"quite easily" i said , while shutting the kitchen door

I said, "My son is the only kid in his class whose parents are married".
My mate said, "It's nice to uphold traditions isn't it?"
"Yeah", I replied. "Plus he's the only kid with two dads"

[diavolo_rosso]

I swung my arm over the wife in bed last night and it felt a little easier than usual..
"Love, have you lost weight?" I asked.
"I don't think so baby." She replied. "In fact if I'm honest, I've actually piled it on lately."
"Of course, that explains it." I said.
"You've just sunk deeper into the mattress."

[diavolo_rosso]

'LSD makes users lose weight'
That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.

My dad got me a dictionary for my birthday.
"Why did you get me this?" I asked.
He said, "Because you're stupid."
Then for his birthday I got him a dildo.
"Why did you get me this?" he asked.
I said, "Because you're a cunt."

The Japanese flag is actually a pie chart of what animals are considered edible there

There are a lot of tales about a biblical ship that only carried a certain species of fish.
It was a multi-storey carp ark.

[diavolo_rosso]

As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.
"Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?" she giggled.
"No love, don't mind him!" I said. "It's just you're eating off his plate."

Blood really is thicker than water...
This bathtub has been draining for over an hour now.

All 13 of my tattoos tell a story.
I had money on me when I was drunk.

My wife came home from her driving exam today.
I asked, "Well, did you pass?"
"No," she sobbed.
"Always next time," I replied. "What did the examiner say?"
"Nothing," she said, "The dashboard was lodged in his throat."

[diavolo_rosso]

[diavolo_rosso]

Ghandi walked everywhere in bare feet. Consequently he developed very thick callouses. He ate very little, and was plagued by bad breath. He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[diavolo_rosso]

So a passenger was forced to land a plane after the pilot fell ill at the controls.
Ryanair have since charged the passenger for his seat upgrade.

Movember, Stoptober, Gaypril?..
I think the people who come up with this shit should be sacked..
Then they can celebrate DSS ember.

Police reports from America are suggesting that Elvis Presley didn't die from drug intoxication. It is understood he was found at Graceland attempting to get out via his feline access door.
A police statement read "he's caught in a flap".

I just looked up what the word "coprophilia" meant.
Fuck that shit.

Thousands of eggs have been stolen from a local farm.
Police suspect poachers are to blame.

I had an appointment with my GP. "I saw that advert on the telly, doc. It said that if I had persistent cough for more than three weeks then I should come to see you and get a chest x-ray."
"But you haven't coughed once in this entire appointment?"
"It's not a cough that I'm worried about. I've been married for twelve years. I want to get my head examined."

[diavolo_rosso]

The sound of my wife gasping for breath in her hospital bed still haunts me to this day.
Maybe I should change my ringtone.

If I could take Abba out to lunch I would, my friend, for Nandos.

My wife and I were about to have sex when I started downing a beer.
"Do you always have to drink before we have sex?" she spat.
"Oh, this is not alcohol," I replied. "It's a magic potion that makes you look attractive."

I don't want to say I have bad luck or anything,
but the one and only time I played Tetris, the first thing to drop was a circle.

The surest cure for a cough? Swallow a box of laxatives and you will be to scared to cough.

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds .

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!

Earthquake in Washington D.C. obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[diavolo_rosso]

This week nine missing episodes of 1960s Doctor Who have been found at a TV station in Nigeria.
The TV station found them 6 years ago but no one replied to their emails.

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a fight on the Death Star, and Darth says, "Wait, Luke, I have something to tell you."
Luke says, "No, let's continue fighting. You are evil!"
Darth says, "No, Luke, seriously, I have something to tell you."
Luke: "Vader, just let's get this fight over with."
Darth: "No, Luke, seriously, I know what you've got for Christmas."
Luke: "Eh? What are you talking about?"
Darth: "I felt your presents."

I would hate to be deaf.
Farting would be half as much fun.

It's so hard to find the right person these days.
All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach.
It'll give her something to do whilst I watch football.

I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.
Through alcohol and poor judgement.

You know you are old when it takes more than 3 mouse scrolls for you to find the year you were born in a drop-down list of an online form.

The Chuckle Brothers now work as parking wardens. To meter you.

"What are you doing!?" I said to my wife, "You've reversed the car over my motorbike!"
She said, "It's your own fault for leaving it in the shed!"

To burp, or not to burp.
That's indigestion.

[diavolo_rosso]

Over 300 Africans feared drowned as 2 boats capsize off the Italian coast.
In other news, the captain of the Costa Concordia completes his first week of community service.

Gay asylum seekers in the UK are now being asked to prove it.
The banned "Go Home" slogan will now be replaced by -
"You've got to come out, before you come in"

Russian Dolls are self-centered.

[diavolo_rosso]

I rang the RSPCA yesterday and said, "I have just found my dog lying down in a puddle of blood in my back garden."
"That's awful." she said. "Is it moving?"
"Quite emotional, yes."

You think Swansea striker Michu is good now? wait 'till he evolves into Mikachu !!

There hasn't been a new conspiracy theory for ages,
I think the government is blocking them.

Apparently Oasis have decided to sponsor a heavy machine that specialises in smoothing out road surfaces.
You gotta roll with it.

A lot of countries dislike Americans because they refuse to learn a second language. That's just stupid.
I dislike them for not learning their first one.

I volunteered to test a new indigestion remedy today.
Results aren't through yet , but I was asked to give my gut reaction.

"Jump in and I'll take you home," I said to my dwarf neighbour, who was sat at the bus stop today.
"- off!" he replied.
"Suit yourself then," I said, as I straightened up my backpack and continued with my walk.

A man from Switzerland, who heeded the warning by the ministry of transport 'Wear something white at night' is recovering in hospital.
He went out dressed in a white hat, white gloves and white trousers, and was run over by a snow plough.

Just got a Hyundai Accent.
Now I sound Korean.

My pet unicorn has run away.
I've put up mything posters all over town.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

[diavolo_rosso]

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did. 
I don't remember much after that.

Don't EVER sit there and cry over spilt milk.
When It could have been beer.

"90% of shark attacks happen in shallow water"
No shit, thats where the people are

[diavolo_rosso]

I just watched the latest US invasion movie 'White House Down', a film about a hostile force attempting to take control of the American seat of power.
Which isn't to be confused with the 2009 Michael Moore documentary 'White House Downs', which chronicled the failed Bush administration.

So there is going to be a half hour segment tonight on Crimewatch, re-visiting the night Madeleine McCann was abducted.
I'm not quite sure how 25 minutes of Kate and Gerry eating tapas and drinking sangria will help jog anyone's memory though.

The Police are now looking for a man and women seen near Madeleine McCann's room just before she disappeared.
Her parents have already been ruled out.

My Girlfreind has been giving me a hard time today. Apparently she's got 'Womens Problems'.
Just because she can't change a plug, drive or read a map is no excuse for being a miserable cunt in my book.

Turns out I get sexually aroused when I learn something new about myself. I came to that realisation yesterday.

I took a job aptitude test and it didn't make for pleasant reading,
I've no people or practical skills and am unable to use logic or reasoning.
It recommended that I become an internet moderator.

Did you know that famous Scottish heavy rock icon Alex Harvey had a brother who was electrocuted & killed by a faulty microphone while on stage with his band: Stone the Crows.
Anyway, if you're interested, you can see it dramatized in David Bowie's movie: "The Man Who Failed To Earth."

[BPs]

[diavolo_rosso]

I came home after a night out with work.
"You're early," my wife sneered. "I thought you'd be out all night flirting with that slag Tracy."
"Actually, she invited me back to her place, but I said there's no point going for a burger when I can have steak at home."
"Aww, you do love me really, don't you..."
"Shut the fuck up and cook me a steak."

Been Invited to attend a lecture on the subject of quantum mathematics..
To be honest, I am only going along to help with the numbers

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

The BBC have shelved plans to unveil a new character in hit kids show, Bob the builder.
It's just the wrong time to introduce Garry Gritter.

[diavolo_rosso]

I'm looking for one of those places where you rent a space to put your excess stuff...
What do they call them?...
Oh, I remember, a brothel.

"Yes" i screamed at the wife ," Brasilia next summer " , "fuck that, never again it itches like mad"came the reply.

I've been reading the prequel to 'Hamlet'.
It's called 'Piglet'.

I've recently taken up Scottish karate.
It's the same as the Japanese version but you're only allowed to use your head.

What does Winnie the Pooh and Rupert the Bear have in common?
They both have the same middle Name.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the 'P' is silent.

My daughter was asked to draw something from her personal life for a school project.
After, she showed me and I said, "Darling, where did you see pink elephant and a gorilla standing beside a waterfall?"
"It's not," she replied. "It's mummy and Uncle Kev in the shower."

[diavolo_rosso]

I've been invited to my mother-in-law's Halloween party. All my wife's family will be there, wearing crazy costumes.
I wasn't sure what to go as, but then I saw an advert for the new series of The Walking Dead, and it gave me a great idea.
I'll stay in and watch that instead.

I have spotted a pattern to when England win the World Cup.
It is every 900 years after the Battle of Hastings.

A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.
It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.

Even though my wife has put on some weight since we got married, she can still touch her toes...
With her nipples.

In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide, I have a big pop art painting on my wall that hides a secret panic room.
I call it my handy war hole.

[diavolo_rosso]

 My neighbour pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.”
I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”

I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.. I said, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try.
God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on.
“Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.”
“They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God.
The man replied, “They’re not too fucking happy about it in Woolworths either!

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

[diavolo_rosso]

Ever since it started snowing my wife has done nothing but stare through the window.
Do you think I should let her into the house?

Had an accident?
Not your fault?
You're obviously a woman.

Phil Collins tried on several occasions to add a bit of spice to his marriage.
He soon found out, you can't curry love.

 From now on I'm only going to buy that fancy water with healthy additives.
Like this one here. It's got hops, yeast and malted barley in it.

As my wife was working till 9 last night, I planned a little treat. I ran a nice relaxing hot bath with candles, made a lovely spaghetti carbonara and got our favourite DVD out.
When I'd finished, I thought to myself - "She would have loved this."

[diavolo_rosso]

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.
"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

A Yorkshire guy and a Scouser go into Greggs the bakers.
The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshire guy, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me."
The Yorkshire guy says, "That's nowt mate, watch this."
So the Yorkshire guy goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us a pie and I'll show thee some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.
The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?"
The Yorkshire guy says, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."

I read that the deadly black widow has arrived in Britain
Actually, we're not allowed to call it the Black Widow anymore...now it's The Recently Bereaved Arachnid Of Ethnic Minority Origin.

According to scientific research, "Women's tears reduce sexual desire in men"...
Almost as much as their talking does.

I have a fit every time I see a Scotch Bonnet.
I think I'm pepperleptic.

[BPs]

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